A Most Unlikely Slacker
by NeonZangetsu
Summary: They said I didn't have any ambition. Almost ironic, really; in the beginning I had noting BUT ambition; that's what made me fall so far. No one suspects a slacker, but EVERYONE underestimates one. Can't say I mind be underestimated these days. Eh? What's that? Fight for humanity? Save the world? Do I have to? I'd rather take a nap, you know? Narutoxharem. Set in Chaldea.


**A/N: As ever, suspend your disbelief to enjoy this story.**

**And the daily updates continue!**

**...fine.**

**Because folks wanted more than the taste they were given in the collection.**

**So I revamped it, retooled it, and gave**

**But to truly understand what we're working with here, we need to go back just a bit. Recall that this Naruto has horns, and not of the Kaguya variety. No, there's a reason he got those, and h****e's also the laziest of the bunch, so much so that he puts Master!Naruto with Medea to shame...**

**And lets not forget the references. Jojo, TFS, you name; you'll find a little bit of everything.**

**As ever, I own absolutely nothing. I just like to play around with a few words.**

**Speaking of which, fourth wall breaks ahoy!**

_"I'm a simple man with simple dreams. Saving the world? Not one of 'em."_

_...if the world ends, you won't be able to lay around."_

_"Hmm. Fair point."_

_~?_

**A Most Unlikely Slacker**

_They said I lacked ambition._

_You know, its funny, in a twisted way._

_In the beginning I had noting BUT ambition; lofty goals and impossible dreams that always seemed to be right around the corner, so close, yet always just out of reach. I thought if I puffed out my chest and shouted hard enough, that if I swore and screamed at anyone who would listen, things would change. My name is Uzumaki Naruto! I'm going to be Hokage someday! Just you wait and see! I'll show you all! Loud and obnoxious without a worry in the world. That was me._

_...I was an idiot._

_Y'see, reality has this **nasty** habit of beating naivete out of you when you get too big for your britches, one way or the other. For me? It was the loss of a friend. Wait. I tell a lie. Friends. Plural. When Sakura and Sasuke perished on that bridge, when I saw their bodies hacked to pieces under Zabuza's blade, I realized a terrible truth; once you're dead, that's it. Game over. People die when they are killed. Who doesn't know that?! That's obvious! No, the lesson I learned was...colder. It isn't bonds that get you killed. Or even stupidity._

_Its blind, bloody ambition._

_Lofty goals mean you have further to fall._

_It only makes you all the angrier when you finally fail._

_Zabuza and Haku learned that lesson shortly after I did; because I didn't take kindly to losing my friends. In a fit of rage I slaughtered them both. I let the beast out, and the Fox ran rampant. When all was said and done, the people of Wave were free, thanks to Kakashi and me. For all the good it did them. Losing those two, my teammates, broke something in my mentor. Who am I kidding? It broke me, too. Losing the two of them, seeing the cold reality of what a shinobi was...__cut the ambition right out of me. _

_Like a knife._

_And so the two of us shuffled back to the village. Kakashi drank himself into a stupor._

_I...well, that's where my life took a turn for the strange._

_Losing my teammates didn't just warp my psyche; it shattered, glued the pieces back together like an upside-down jigsaw puzzle, and left me to sort out the mess. Everything was...different after their deaths. Like a veil had been torn away from my eyes, allowing me to see this wretched world for what it truly was. I didn't even have the change for revenge; the fox had killed Zabuza and Haku, not me. In the end, I was denied even the memory of their deaths. Still, I wanted to learn where I'd gone wrong. I was looking for answers in all the wrong places. So I studied. I listened. I learned._

_Then I noticed Shikamaru._

_And I had an epiphany._

_No one suspects a slacker, but EVERYONE underestimates one. And if Shikamaru had any sort of ambition, I couldn't see it. In my madness, I started talking to him. Asking all sorts of questions. I'm pretty sure he thought I was crazy. Perhaps I was. Maybe I still am. Regardless, he answered them all the same. I came to envy his laid-back lifestyle; in time, I outright emulated him, though I never could match his wit. Life's easier when you just stop caring, wouldn't you agree? Just go with the flow and enjoy it. Yes, from that moment on, I resolved to live as a I pleased and do as I pleased...within the bounds of what I believed to be reason, of course._

_ Needless to say, with no teammates, the Chunin Exams were barred to me. That suited me just fine._

_Given what happened, I'm glad I wasn't anywhere near that meat grinder._

_Poor old man. At least Tsunade proved a decent replacement._

_Maybe I embraced the Nara creed a tad too eagerly on my part; too wholeheartedly for someone my age. Who can say? I was looking for an escape. An excuse not to care anymore. Because if I started caring, I was going to fall apart again. I picked my battles and fought only when I had to...which was more often than I'd like. Lack of purpose aside, I found myself content with eking out a humble existence outside of the occasional mission, if only to ease the odd spate of boredom. Had things stayed that way, I would've been content. But it didn't. Of course it didn't._

_Fate's a bitch, remember?_

_And a certain 'ol pervert's a right bastard._

_Eventually, said sage noticed I wasn't the dense dullard they knew; one thing led to another...and...well...let me put it this way._

**_Three year. Training. Trip._**

_I actually had to work! _

_The horror! Pure, unadulterated horror!_

_ Do you have any idea how ghastly that was?! _

_For someone who wanted nothing more than to lay about and forget the world, the world refused to forget me. Rather than play the lazy fool-which was my ORIGINAL OBJECTIVE-I found myself flung from one disaster to another after that bloody trip, forced to use my new skills and wit against my will time and time again until I became infamous for it. Just ask Sasame or Hotaru. If it wasn't a village-ending disaster, or learning to coexist with the rampaging demon in my stomach, or trying to sense malicious intent in other people, it was something else. ALWAYS something else. Bloody filler arcs..._

_Would you believe the Akatsuki just gave up on finding me altogether? I didn't even try to fight them when they all came for me._

_Instead, I posed a question. "You do realize the world will **end** if you get your wish, don't you?"_

_Crazy bastards wiped themselves out amidst all the infighting. _

_Don't you get it? I don't want to fight._

_I just wanna be left alone._

_Some say I was too lazy to die; others claim I found some secret elixir to prolong my life. Can't say either of those are true. My mind remained sharp as ever; if anything, it grew sharper still over the years. Those...simply stopped taking their toll on my body at some point. __I wandered about for a bit, saw civilizations rise and fall and I felt...nothing. __I watched the era of the shinobi give way to that of the mage. __And still, I felt nothing for any of these newcomers or the odd miracles they worked._

_Nope. Not joy, not despair, not even apathy._

_But when I saw a most unlikely flyer..._

_...for a place called Chaldea..._

_...__I followed it on a whim._

_The rest is history._

* * *

_(...0o0o0...)_

* * *

_Lev Lainur Flauros absolutely twitched._

He'd stumbled upon the pair solely by chance.

Some might even call it ill luck that he'd encountered them at all.

Indeed, as he looked down at the young-barely even awake at that!-individual-sprawled out before him, he almost let down his carefully erected facade altogether. His right eye began to spasm with inordinate rage for some reason for each moment spent gazing at him. This...was the last Master candidate? Absurd. Contrived. Impossible. How could such a fool have found his way into Chaldea, much less befriend that filthy homonculus girl? Even now as his his gaze strayed towards at this unassuming individual, he found himself struck with the strangest urge to strike his head from his shoulders. But, more importantly...

Why.

Was he.

Laying in the hall?!

Clad in little more than a mangled black coat with crimson accents and matching jeans, the young man didn't even deign to give him the time of day as he sprawled out on his back. Listless blue eyes stared vacantly up at the dull ceiling, offering no indication that he was even aware of Lev's presence at all. At least Mash had the decency to look embarrassed for his sake. Just what had he interrupted? He'd thought to lure this one back into the command room with the others, the easier of which to dispose him and yet...he hadn't even acknowledged his presence in the least.

...what are you doing?"

"Cloud-watching." came the deadpan response.

A muscle jumped in his jaw. "There aren't any clouds here."

"Hmm." was the young man's instant reply. "Then I'm taking a nap."

"Your eyes are open, Senpai." Mash pointed out with only the faintest hint of a smile.

At this, the blond youth raised his head a fraction of an inch. "Why, so they are! Unlike Lev, I can actually use them!"

The disguised demon pillar twitched anew.

Why that impudent whelp...?!

This...layabout didn't even have the ambition to move, much less be a Master candidate. Surely somehow had made a mistake, somewhere. Surely no one would protest if he simply...removed-no, no, no! He couldn't attack this man, no matter how much he might wish otherwise. Spiriting away a potential Master so late in the game would raise questions; doubts he wasn't prepared to answer. The bombs were already in place. He just had to be patient. All was in his favor. None saw through his ruse. Humanity would be eradicated. But for some reason, some damnable reason, he couldn't shake this strange feeling of dread when he looked at this blond fool of a boy. Surely he wasn't a threat-

Mash prodded the nameless blond anew with the tip of her shoe.

"You're going to miss the briefing, Naruto-senpai."

The whiskered youth groaned.

...do I have to?"

"Yes."

This time, there could be no mistaking the small smile she favored him with. Ugh. Pathetic girl. He wanted to kill her solely out of principle. A failed creation like her should just be cast aside like the meaningless trash she was, not permitted to roam the halls as such.

"Tch, fine. If you say so...

As if sensing that particularly foul thought, the blond arched his back and burst to his feet with a grunt a single seamless movement. A hand clamped down on Lev's shoulder and for a heart-stopping sliver of a second, he glimpsed a small smile plucking at the corner of the man's mouth. Surely it was just his imagination...?

"Well, then, I suppose I should be going as well-

The fingers on his coat tightened, and all at once, the traitor found himself hauled forward. It was in that moment, that sliver of a second, that he glimpsed it; a strange spark snarling through those bright blue eyes, like a tiny spark of divinity diluted by an ember of humanity. Where in blazes had that come from? It most assuredly wasn't there before, so why-wait. There was another. And another.

_Another still._

Aghast, he scrubbed at his eyes with the back of a sleeve, alarmed to find his coat all but stitched with the things.

Odd. Now they were beginning to smolder...?

"Be seeing you around." he favored him with a grim grin as he snatched up Mash and bolted. "Might wanna do something about the stick up your arse, though. Bye~!"

Lev's exasperated snarl snaked through the halls after him.

_"BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!"_

_How little he knew indeed._

**A/N: Well, folks asked for it, so here it is.**

**Lev's gonna have a bad time, he just doesn't realize it yet.**

**Hope this made you smile; that was the intention. At this point, they haven't even tackled the Fuyuki Singularity. ****Once more, I shall leave it to you guys and gals to decide if this should become a bonafide story or not.**

**Right then, as ever, Reviews are love, Reviews are Life.**

**Reviews keep me safe from any and all strife.**

**So in the immortal words of Atlas...**

**...review, Would You Kindly?**

**Every bit helps out!**

**(Previews?)**

_"You're right, I am a lazy bastard, Lev." he paused, cradling the remnants of the soul in his hand. "But if you want me to hand Olga over to you..._

_So it came as something of a surprise, yes, quite the surprise indeed when he stood his ground._

_A lone blue eye glinted up at him._

_"I refuse."_

_...what?"_

* * *

_"Servant, Assassin. I-_

_Then the Servant saw him._

_Shikamaru absolutely twitched._

_"You...did not...just summon me, Naruto."_

_...sorry?" his fellow slacker shrugged. "To be fair, I wasn't trying to pull you..._

* * *

_"You shouldn't keep drinking that, you know." Shuten pouted. "You're liable to grow horns."_

* * *

_"Save the world? At this hour? Me Nah, sounds like too much work. Ibaraki and Shuten can do that. G'night."_

_Eresh sputtered. "Bullshit! Nobody's that lazy! Even you can't possibly be-_

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

_"He fell asleep?!"_

**~Nz.**


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